I really hate this time of year, especially this year. Aunt Paulie is gone, Dad is… not here, Mom’s gone. Mother’s Day is this weekend and Dads 52nd birthday is at the end of the month. It’s all just depressing. Can’t even turn on the TV without wanting to cry or getting mad watching Mothers Day commercials. With everything else going on it’s the last thing I really need weighing on my mind right now.

The one good thing is I’ve been able to stay in touch with my cousin Chris. It helps a ton even if he lives in Jax to just talk to him. He wants Chris and I to come down sometime to spend time with him so bad too. He and I were never extremely close once him and Aunt Paulie moved out of Ohio in the early 90’s, but the older we’ve gotten the closer we’ve been able to get again, even if it is on again, off again. It’s pretty crazy how alike we are though, especially compared to the rest of our family on our Moms’ side.

It’s comforting talking to him though because he’s like Dad and Chris and he just “gets it”. He says things to me that make sense, and can calm me down in some off way. It’s weird and comforting all at the same time that he just seems to be on the same level. We’ve talked some about Mom and Aunt Paulie and about how fucking scary it is to the 2 of us. They both died so suddenly, at the healthiest peaks of there lives and it’s just frightening. We’ve also talked about Dad and he’s helped me put some things in perspective in ways I hadn’t thought of.

Now to just use the words of cousin Chris, Chris, and things Dad has told me in the past to try and push through all of this.

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So, as I’ve posted about on numerous occasions, my neighborhood is a piece of shit. I live in the “ghetto” which includes but is not limited to: gangs of ignorant teenagers, ignorant adults, trailer trash, drug addicts, whores, etc etc etc. With such unsavory characters about, also comes the blasting of shitty ass music out of a shitty ass “system” in said rust bucket car.

Well tonight is the night for sweet revenge. Chris fixed his speakers so they don’t buzz any longer when we blast them. We’re currently pounding Dark Lotus as loudly as we can out our window to drone out there shit ass music and they don’t seem all too amused. Payback is sweet BITCHES!

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I’m still alive and managing, somehow. Everything is so fucking up and down and back and forth lately it’s driving me mad. One hour I’m up, next I’m down. cycling through emotions and everything else like a TV station changes.

I’m doing good though, dealing with it all. Or well, the best I can. Dads still at the hospital. We should have enough to cover our rent, I think. Those are definitely positives, for right now. I just try to focus on the good things and I try not to think about the bad side of things. As long as I don’t think about the big picture, things are easier to handle as they happen.

Still no work though, but still looking. Playing WoW, being bored. Thats about it right now heh.

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But I have gone beyond my breaking point. I was doing so good keeping my thoughts above water. But everything right now is a labor.

I’m mentally numb to everything and I’ve lost control of my emotions 100%.

I loathe waking up every day. I am not prepared for any of this. I foolishy believed I would at least have my one support for at least a few more years. I am mistaken.

I can’t concentrate. I can’t control the tone of my voice, my outbursts, or my complete and utter lack of desire for any human contact outside of Chris.

At this point honestly, I don’t know what to do. There is no happy side to anything right now. There is no good. Only pain, misery, self loathing, and utter hatred and distaste for life as an entire whole.

If I didn’t find suicide stupid I would have just killed myself by now. But obviously I like pain and torment.

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